Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Catering service
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Dolls on drugs
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Order here:
More here:
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”