Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
You Might Also Like
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
no their not