Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
You Might Also Like
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.