If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.