the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.