A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”