A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
oh u like geography? name every lake
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Called it
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Everything reminds me of my ex
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
🤣dope
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..