I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.