I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
You Might Also Like
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*