Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.