A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You Might Also Like
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out