It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Mornin
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
sir, my pâté if you please
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.