I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
This a good idea
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.