Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger