I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.