Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Yoga Matt
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The best plant holders?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?