Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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Previously On Persistence 😎
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?