“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
it is time once again
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.