the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.