I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.