pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”