The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.