I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day