Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce