No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.