Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.