“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.