Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.