I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.