BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Oh hi lol
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
how long have you had this for?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.