My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.