[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE