Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
PLEASE READ
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.