If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
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Battery falling down a hole
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.