Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Netflix: We have Less
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Finally, a door that understands me
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
*weighs self after shaving
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.