If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year