Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
🙂🐾
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
This will teach them to underestimate me
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title