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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
🚲+physics = winner
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.