Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.