Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
seems like a niche market
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.