The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
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[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.