Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Twitter is an abusement park.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!