I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
synchronized noseblowing
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
🚲+physics = winner
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
This guy’s not having it 😆
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?