babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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smartest karate player in the world
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
A roof is a house hat.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
#NoRestForTheWicked
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
There are usually two types of merchants.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life