My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.