I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
You Might Also Like
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”