I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.