Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.