[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
So many pants.
So little yoga.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.