Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Best seat on the street 😍
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.